


Remembrance Day

by MaxRev



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Bittersweet, Dealing with grief and loss, Heavy Angst, M/M, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24382987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxRev/pseuds/MaxRev
Summary: On a day honoring those who've died in service, Kaidan visits the grave of someone he cared for deeply. A grave he hasn't been able to visit until now.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko & Male Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Comments: 20
Kudos: 32





	1. Remembrance Day

**Author's Note:**

> So, in the US, today is Memorial Day, honoring those who've lost their lives in the Armed Forces. Many also visit their loved ones and place flowers on their graves. Not military related but this helped me process a loss of my own, which was awhile ago, but still makes me sad. 
> 
> There are two different endings because I couldn't decide.
> 
> I listened to [ this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgyShFzdB_Q) and [ this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK0VOeau_gs) while writing.

Remembrance Day

The Orchard, BC Interior - Winter 2195

 _Nine years_. 

Where had they gone? 

Kaidan could hardly believe so much time had passed since Shepard, the crew of the Normandy, and countless humans and aliens had come together to win against the Reapers. 

It was time. Past time, really. Before now, though, he just hadn’t been able to bring himself to go. Unsure of what had changed to make things different today, he wasn’t going to analyze it. Might change his mind and not go at all. 

He paused at the door to slip his feet into winter boots. Donning his heavy black coat and thick leather gloves, he wound a scarf around his neck, put his toque on, and went outside. 

Greeted with a somber, deep grey sky, he watched the snow fall silently; soft, fat flakes drifting down to land lightly, piling one on top of another. There was a biting chill to the air. 

Today was Remembrance Day. As it had been for the last nine years and many more before it. A day to remember those who'd fought and given their lives in wars going back hundreds of years. The ultimate sacrifice so others could live and be free. 

He walked along, boots kicking up puffs of the fluffy, white powder. They’d had quite a bit in the last few weeks, though the weather had taken a break for a few days in a row. 

Kaidan knew what time he’d left the house but the world around him gave no indication; it could be morning, afternoon or even heading towards dusk. Despite the disorientation of time and sound, along with the accumulation of snowfall over the last few weeks, he followed a path, well worn over the years, though not by him. 

So much had happened in these last nine years. Sometimes, he found it hard to believe a war had been fought. At least, out here. Going into Vancouver, it was still painfully clear, irregardless of the changes and rebuilding over time. Life had moved ever onward, resistant to the losses and the mourning. As it always did.

He’d longed for the world to stop, to cry in shared grief and rail at the heavens. To no effect. They were all grieving; as individuals, as a nation...as a galaxy. His grief was no more, no less, than any other’s. It just felt like it. As if a hole had been ripped through his chest, leaving behind a gruesome, seeping wound which would never heal. 

Time erased all wounds, so they said. In a sense, it had eased, though whenever his thoughts turned towards the man he once knew, he still had to take a deep breath, let it out slowly...and wait for the pain to subside. Not erased but lessened. 

A breath of air slipped through his lips, between the yarn strands of the scarf his mother had made him, floating into the air before him in a puff of frigid breath. Tucking his hands deeper into his pockets in a futile effort to escape an earnest gust of wind, he trudged on.

His fingertips and toes had become numb, along with the tip of his nose. He felt frozen, not just his body but in his soul. Whether because of the wintry air or the reason for his journey, he wasn't sure. Maybe the weather made everything feel more bleak. 

He’d never gotten a chance to say goodbye; to express how much he’d meant, how Kaidan had looked up to him, been grateful to have him in his life, the shared experiences. 

He never would again. 

The ravages of war had taken the chance away and the thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. Memories were all he had and while he was grateful for them, there were times he wanted the physical presence so strongly, it nearly brought him to his knees. 

And some days it simply hit Kaidan out of the blue; how much he wanted to hear his voice, to hear him laugh, to whistle or hum a song. He missed the long talks, the things he could learn about the man just by listening instead of speaking. Experiences so different from his and so rich with the essence of a life lived well and often for others. 

Stopping suddenly, overcome with emotion, Kaidan took several deep breaths, the cold air sifting easily through the scarf, biting as it hit his throat and traveled down into his lungs. 

It chased away the pain, if only briefly. Enough to clear his head so he could continue. 

And not turn back, a coward to his emotions. 

The snow continued to fall. 

Next to him, the skeletal trees of the orchard stood as sentinels along the path he trod. Sometimes, out of the corner of his eyes, he swore there was movement. He turned his head to capture it. 

Only to find emptiness. There was nothing to see. 

There’d been no body to bury but Kaidan knew a headstone had been erected as a memorial. His mother had taken care of it. Always the strong one, doing what needed to be done no matter what. He’d equally hated himself for his cowardice and been beyond grateful she’d stepped up and taken care of things. 

Life had been so hard after the war. There were days he’d truly just wanted to give in, give up...and let the tide of pain and grief carry him away. But too many were relying on him, so he ‘soldiered on.’

How he hated those words. 

In many ways, his mother was more of a soldier than him. 

Around a bend and over a hill Kaidan stopped...looking ahead of him. A small graveyard came into view through the now rapidly falling snowflakes. His grandparents, great grandparents, some of their babies who’d hardly tasted all life had to offer. So many ancestors were buried here. The town was too far away for them to be buried in the church cemetery. 

Headstones, meticulously cared for by his parents over the years as well as a few cousins, marked the area clearly but there was only one he came to see. Wanting nothing more than to run, to hide...to forget it was even here, he couldn’t. Never having been even so close as he was today, he couldn’t simply turn back now. 

_It was time_. 

Walking slowly forward, the snow blew softly into the air from his footfalls only to fall back into the prints behind him. As if he’d never been here. 

One agonizingly slow step at a time, Kaidan finally came to a stop, feet side by side. 

Looking down, he gazed on the headstone, at the words carved into it, a lump forming in his throat as he tried to speak. 

It took several tries before he could finally give voice to the words trying to claw their way out of his throat. 

“Hey, dad. I’m here…I miss you.” 

His father had made the ultimate sacrifice during the Reaper war and done so willingly. In honor of his service and that sacrifice, Kaidan placed a small Canadian flag on his father’s grave.


	2. Alternate ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate ending because I couldn't decide.

Looking down, he gazed on the headstone, a lump forming in his throat as he tried to speak. 

Before he could bring himself to utter a single word, he felt a warm, strong hand settle on his shoulder. It was a testament to his military training, not forgotten even after all this time, Kaidan never flinched. Instead, he placed his right hand overtop the one on his shoulder. 

“Hey, John,” he spoke into the silence of their surroundings. 

The snow had muffled the limping cadence of his husband’s steps. Nine years after the war, having undergone many surgeries and extensive physical therapy, Shepard still walked with a limp. Always would. He was just thrilled not to have to walk with a cane anymore. He must have left the house right behind Kaidan to have arrived so quickly in such weather while traversing the snow filled path. 

“Hey, yourself.” Strong arms, leaner than when in active duty, wrapped around him, John’s chin resting on his shoulder. 

Their cheeks brushed, Kaidan’ mostly covered by his scarf. Treasuring the contact and warmth from John’s body, he soaked it all in. Shepard said nothing. Still the Commander after all these years, letting his crew speak when they were ready. Kaidan thought about it, what he wanted to say, whether he wanted to discuss how he was feeling. He couldn’t form the words. 

Pulling away from John, he inched forward to stand in front of the headstone. Reaching down, he brushed his fingers along the top, the few inches of snow on the top, fluttering slowly to land on the drifts abutting the sides of grey, weathered stone. 

Nine years ago, it had been smooth, shiny and new. He’d caught a glimpse of it, as it was brought to the house and unloaded to be carried over a mile away. He’d planned on seeing it up close. Hadn’t planned on such a large span of time in between. 

Looking down, he gazed on the headstone, the words carved into it, a lump forming in his throat as he tried to speak. 

Aleks Alenko

Beloved husband and father

Forever willing to fight to keep others from harm

"Sacrifice should be done out of love, not necessity. It should be done for people who need your strength because they haven't enough of their own. "

It took several tries before he could finally give voice to the words trying to claw their way out of his throat. 

“Hey, dad. I’m here…I miss you.” 

His father had made the ultimate sacrifice during the Reaper war and done so willingly. In honor of his service and that sacrifice, Kaidan placed a small Canadian flag on his father’s grave.

Once those words were out, a steady stream poured out in a tide of anguish, regret, guilt...and pride, while tears poured down his cheeks, icy against his skin in the wintry air. Shepard remained behind him. A steady, comforting presence. When Kaidan was finished, empty of everything he’d kept inside for so long, he turned to find John watching him with a steady gaze. 

Nodding without speaking a word, he reached out and a gloved hand took his own, squeezing his in understanding. Together, they slowly walked back to the house. 

His father would always be missed, some days more than others. However, his presence was all around them. His legacy an indelible part of their lives. As they walked up the stairs to go inside, Kaidan paused, looking up at the sky. 

Whispered words, soft and light, slipped from his lips…

“Je t'aime, papa.” 

**Author's Note:**

> [She taught me all about real sacrifice. That it should be done from love... That it should be done from necessity, not without exhausting all other options. That it should be done for people who need your strength because they don't have enough of their own.
> 
> Veronica Roth
> 
> Read more: https://www.wiseoldsayings.com/sacrifice-quotes/#ixzz6NSbpoZkl]


End file.
